A Collection of Outbursts

There really are just those horrible days when you don't feel like you're competent at anything at all.

Come to think of it, I've never considered myself as necessarily "good," not even "skillful" really. I think I just have a refined taste level. I know what looks nice, and it just so happens that I have access to the tools that can put it all together. But as far as technical know-how? As far as having that "eye?" I really can't be sure.

I hope so though, else I'm totally fucked.

Over the years I've gotten by with putting myself first: my needs, my goals, my dreams. Me.

But lately there's been a disturbance in the force and I feel like I've slowly changed into someone who can actually be selfless. And before I get all emotional, let me be the first to say that I hate it. I really hate it.

(This isn't about charity or anything like that, no. I'm fine with helping less fortunate people.)

It's when you're selfless enough... When you care about other people enough to put their needs and goals and dreams first. When you let them make the decisions they want to make even though you know that you know better, or you know you have a better grasp on things.

It's hard when you have to give up being right, because giving up is the right thing to do.

Over the years I've gotten by with putting myself first: my needs, my goals, my dreams. Me. And it's hard having to turn things around now... Or seeing that things have turned around now... And I don't know what to do.

Or maybe I do know what to do. I just really don't want to do it.

 I just wish I was invincible, you know?

I wish I could never get affected by anything. A lot of times the idea of going back into acting like an anti-social rock becomes so tempting.

I hate it when everything around you is exploding and all you want to do is (not take cover but) stay still and be impenetrable.

I wish I was invincible. Never hurting, never dying, and sometimes yes, never even feeling alive.

I never got to say goodbye to you, actually.
You just didn't find me there anymore.

Not like you were necessarily looking for me.

It's interesting seeing you from the other side.
The lighter, brighter, and sunnier side.
But I'm not staying here for long either.

Anyway, I just wanted to say goodbye to the one I was once loyal to.

I'm so glad I grew my own brain.
It took too long.

There is no more blue sky and red ground. I'm happy to lie on the grass.

Truly growing.




Good luck.

 Okay, so because of this Ted Failon thing, I got so engrossed in the news all night. From TV Patrol to ANC then to Qtv and back to Bandila and now Saksi.

There's always room for improvement in the final production. 

Some time ago, I took a leap of faith. Well, it was more of a fall actually.

I never regretted it.

Until now that is. Just a little.

Because I was caught, I was happy, I was alive... But in the end, as I'm feeling... I need to go back where I started.

It feels safe back there.

Why is it that some of us have this obssession with remembering?

We blog, we write, we take pictures, we take videos.

We gossip, we text, we call, we make sticky notes.

We try so desperately to hold on to tiny moments in life.


I think I know why.




Because we know that these moments, however powerful, scandalous, wild, heartbreaking, or even catastrophic they may be, actually mean nothing in reality.

So we make them mean something. We infuse our thoughts and words and points of view into them and give them... Life. At least for us.

Because without them... What do we have?

Emptiness.







Boredom.




So maybe, if we were to truly philosphize... Then it's not that man is doomed to be free/alone/repeat his mistakes...

Man is doomed to be bored.